CML International

This humorous article has been circulating on the internet for a few years. It has been credited to both Qantas Airways and UPS. I am posting it here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one…a reassurance to those of you, who fly routinely.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, documents their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS (or perhaps Qantas) pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

During the years, I have collected and read interestingly translated signs in English.

Here are a few of my favorites for your reading pleasure:

• From a Paris Hotel: “Welcome! Please leave your values at the front desk.”
• In a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”
• In a Tokyo bar: “Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.”
• A Zurich hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom , it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”
• In an ad for a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”
• A Czech tourist agency: “Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.”
• A Greek hotel: “Our lift is broken for the day. During this time we regret that you will be unbearable.”

Want to use this blog/article in your next ezine, article or on your website?